AUTOMATIC PERSPECTIVE, NERD BEAST

NERD BEAST

Posted 11 months ago

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BEASTIES BEA$TING

I EXPERIMENT IN GRAPHICS:

Oh yeah...and...i write.↓

"THE MIDDLE GROUND"
Need room to write, to exxxpel this fighting feeling inside. Had a slight episode today, this week, this life. I used to blog all my thoughts and occurrences on myspace in 3rd person but told in 1st person narration, so it read true and for the parts harder to swallow, the reader could dismiss parts, if wished, as something false or over exaggerated just so I wouldn't have to feel the wrath of judgement from exposing myself and dispelling parts of my life that didn't read so pretty or perfect. I get into a lot of fights with guys... The world is 50 percent male, 50 percent female. Easy and a no brainer right? I am a very strong person. It can be viewed as stubborn, cocky, narrow minded, determined, self absorbed, a whole lot of things depending on how you, yourself, view the world. What we think of others at the core is what we really think about ourselves... I don't see myself as the typical female, so most typical females don't even bother to understand me, friend me, nuture relationships...I fall into "other". So my personal interactions with women are cherished, but very limited. This leaves the rest of the world- men. At least the straight ones pursuing more than just friendship. If I don't really fall into a typical female category, exposure to my type of personality may not be readily accepted. Men see me as a challange, something to break, something to conquer, something hard to understand. I'm "difficult" or "crazy". What's crazy to me is everybody is on this so called journey to be different, be unique, be a leader somehow without doing the actual inner self work or being their true selves. If you have ever read Niccolo Macchiavelli's, "The Prince", it tells of princes that are ejected into a seat of king's power when they sometimes don't have the experience or true ownership of that position on their own. Macchiavelli states that the prince will always most likely be overtaken by his own men because they do not respect his authority and believe it to be undeserved. Back to me. Men, women, and the world we have been conditioned to live in. We are a fairly young society. Just 5o years ago, there were still struggles in segregation, gender equality, a lot of things we take for granted today. A strong female totally non dependent on a man is still a hard pill to swallow. Men for the most part have ruled our world from the beginning....changing the rules to the game in the 9th inning is almost impossible. Here I come. On this journey, determined to get this thing out of my soul, whatever it is, because its burning, making small holes in my existence and I want to get it out, look at it, understand it, move on....MY ART. Has nothing to do with you, the next person, even me. Our world is based on relationships so already in the "other" category as a female, dealing with guys trying to figure me out, sorting out who is what, why they are here, can we fall in love? Can we be friends? Why are you constantly challanging me when I'm not even initiating anything......WHAT DO YOU WANT- gets to be much. I caused a slight facebook scene today on a couple of pages because I was just sick of things...on a bigger plan in my head to get to bigger places and somebody comes along with foolish games and intentions that are diverting my attention....WHY. Just because the formula has worked for the 49 females that came before me...how dare you call me crazy or be dismissive because I refusssse to buy into that fake propaganda. JUST GO AWAY....or at least talk. I get confused because I am not even on that channel in my brain. Focused like a scientist or something, trying to pull back the screen to see what really is behind the t.v. of life. I'm different, cause a scene, speak my mind, don't stand for nonsense, make a lot of noise...so of course quiet ones too afraid to move, make commotion to claim parts of themselves or life, easily blame me. I intrigued you to come forward, you were curious. The closer you got, things began to change...YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND. Somewhere inside you didn't want to be strong anymore because maybe that would mean you would have to take real chances...fall off the cliff and hope the parachute you forgot to strap on works. I blew up on a person. After the 99th time of eating crow, makes you nauseous. I am probably babbling, just writing to self, sleepy, a little agitated from the day, from my life at the moment. We are on this fake platform called CYBERLIFE. Myspace, facebook, twitter. You can wall-to-wall fake feelings, fake sentiments, tell people at any hour of the day what's really on your mind as long as that's not what's really on your mind...HERE I COME...I resisted this net thing because I know what life is. I see real truth all day, and even tho the cyber stuff is great for networking, keeping in touch, its very very bad for person to person communication. I look like I've mastered these domains, but not really. I still very much read, don't involve myself in text hysteria, do the minimal of what I need to do to keep my pages working and consistent with our times. I see how it has morphed human relationships into pseudo existences. If you post it, must be real....think about it later, go on with your day. I see people recanting statements or statuses because what seemed right in a facebook moment suddenly became dead wrong once the concensus and general opinion was gathered and nobody agreed with you or your thoughts. A few people have actually gotten irate with me for constantly posting in caps...true life story, one person actually deleted our friendship...that was next level for me. It can be annoying, I admit, but this is what I see...a lot of people come to my page, even real life friends, stop, stare, no comment, no feedback, but watttch> What exactly are you watching? I want to know. I still would like to communicate, the old fashion way- TALK. My facebook is for personal real life friends and is limited because I feel so over exxxposed on the net as it is, my choice, but still can be uncomfortable. So if you come to watch, not talk, let me post a statement. Everything I say up front is basically a statement since I dare not call it communicating. Private conversations with the whole wide world watching is training us to stay coded in speech, in thought, in feeling. NOT ME. I live, I eat, I breathe by this sword....MY TRUTH. If you want to really talk to me, leave a message, I always respond so we can really talk. My friends say I am hard to get a hold of sometimes...only because my head is stuck on real and most times we are all on the myspace, facebook,text-2-death, twitter page. Almost real, mostly not real. I can't deal. So all these things floating in my head, fake club life, not wanting to play on what's his names team because the instruction manual was written in mandarin, upside down, via bbm, made me want to break the code. Write it on the wall, watch it exxxplode and see what happens... People don't realize they are now stuck on some t.v. channel where feelings can be almost predicted like a script and your only allowed a tiny bit of room for ad lib. I wrecked shop today and brought it back to real. Woke some people up. It got realllllll quiet. Then guess what...I got deleted. Like the big bad wolf trying to huff and puff and blow my facebook door down, I let you in. I proved to be a bigger wolf than you howling truth and that was it. Not proud, not anything...just get overwhelmed by the quiet sometimes... A liar comes, some lies are told and everybody sits and watches because its part of the program. Then when you go outside to real life, it tranfers over. The lies become reality and you can become a pawn in anyone's game, not realizing the board you just stepped on was just a board and nothing more..... NOT ME, NOT ME, NOT ME..... like Radio Raheem running around in Spike Lee's "Do The Right Thing" shouting "WAKKKKKKEEE UPPPPPPP" all throughout the movie. In the beginning of course he looked like a loon, but in the end when the silence had killed everyone his voice and message were the things that closed the movie. In this life what do we have? The right to love The right to connect The right to think The right to be. You subscibe to a channel that erases your individuality, your personal sense of existing, what's left....you lie in your default, your last twitter, then walk outside and guess what....your still lying. Forgetting you're talking to a real life person with real life feelings. Making dates you know you have no intention keeping because you forget- I am not a laptop you can put on "sleep" and come back to and resume, freeze frame, like no time has passed at all. Time is passing. Each second being eaten by CYBERLIFE cuz real life and people are just to hard to deal with face to face. These are just my thoughts for the day, if they make sense or don't, I have to explain it. Your subscribed to this channel for one split second and I would hate to leave anybody confused while in my care.... Thats just me. blessed day, make a way make a change. t.